The Second Que to Leave

I hear the doorbell. Joe is here.

I open the door and Joe storms in with the cold. We say hello, like we usually do, but Joe seems a bit grey today. He’s not showing me his usual smile. Maybe a piece of Madrid’s January rainy morning found a way to his face.

“Follow me, Joe.”

I take my seat and reach for my pen and notepad while Joe is taking off his scarf and coat. We look out the window like it’s impossible not to contemplate the rain.

“How are you?” I ask when he’s seated.

He looks at me and takes his time. I notice he cut his hair recently.

I pause. I wonder, was that too firm? Of course, these are Joe’s decisions and Joe’s timings. But I’ve heard so much of the pain this relationship has brought for him in the past couple of sessions, that the human in me can’t help but feel something. I breathe in and repeat my personal therapy mantra: they know best.

“Absolutely not. I can’t keep dating Olivia like this. It’s been 5 months and I still feel like I’m constantly chasing her. Do you think she takes any initiative in planning any of our dates? No, of course not. Just once! And she invited me to an event she wanted to go to, I was just there because she needed a plus one. I feel like all we talk about is her.”

He pauses, makes a strange face and uses another tone of voice, mocking himself. He starts talking fast, I can tell he’s angry.

“How was your day, love?, What is it that you want for dinner?, Oh, that’s great, I’m happy you met your gym goals of the week… And does she ask about my day? No, of course not, she couldn’t care any less about my day.

He sighs.

“Isn’t love supposed to bring peace?,” he asks.

He breaths out loudly and looks out the window.

“Man… God knows how much this woman is stressing me out. But I also don’t want to leave her.”

He brings back his gaze to me, he looks alive. I feel like he needs to leave with something from this session. I hold his gaze.

“I just don’t want to, I love her. I really do. And please don’t take the ‘how can you love someone like that’ angle, because I just do. I make her sound horrible here but she’s actually a good woman.”

Now I take a deep breath. I get him. If only he knew how much.

“You’ve described her lovely moments too, and I believe you when you say she’s a good person. Actually, do I hear you’re changing the way you’re telling this story? I think you might have. This no longer sounds like you fell in love with an awful woman that is breaking your heart. It’s starting to sound like you gave your heart away to a woman that didn’t give you hers.”

“Yes, sadly,” he says. “And I knew all along. I knew I was more into her. I just thought, with time, she would see me too. But it hasn’t happened yet. She doesn’t love me and I don’t know if she ever will. And honestly, I don’t know how much longer I can wait for her to love me.”

Yet. This word alone got me thinking fast. There’s a part of him still willing to wait. It’s always time, time is hope’s currency.

“Joe, you’re not the first one to fall in love alone, nor will you be the last. Love hasn’t claimed any lives yet, and I promise you, you won’t be the first.”

Shit. I shouldn’t have said that. Was that invalidating? Yes, of course, it was. I speak fast.

“That… sounds terrible. I’m sorry. I’m seeing how much this is hurting you. Trust me, I know how painful non-reciprocal love can feel. But, hey, it happens, and it happens especially to those who walk unprotected into relationships, Joe. Like some of us have. Like I have. But what can we do but to learn to protect ourselves and move on? If you stay too long in this relationship, you risk losing yourself. And that’s too high of a price to pay”.

“What do you mean losing myself?” he asks with a weird smile, he seems in disbelief.

“How long have we known each other, Joe? 5–6 months?”

He nods and I suspect that he probably knows this is exactly our 12th session.

“I’ve seen the whole evolution process of this relationship. How about we analyze it together in this session?”

I let the question suspend in the air for a bit. He seems intrigued.

“Remind me how it started, please.”

“By me being too much! Do you remember the first date?,” he asks and his reaction makes me feel the cringe he has for himself.

Of course I remember. Joe took her to a bar, regular first date, but it was like he couldn’t end it. He took her afterwards to a beautiful rooftop overlooking the city and they stayed until late. They ended having a second dinner in the middle of the night at his place. They had sex multiple times. Joe made pancakes in the morning and she didn’t leave his apartment until 1pm. A 16-hour first date. This is how these stories usually start: intensity, fireworks, strong more-than-human connection.

“Hey, if I remember correctly, that was a great first date,” I say with a smile and his body seems to relax. “You invested a bit more from the beginning, yes. But I don’t think that was about her, honestly. Some of us enter relationships already tilted towards giving. The imbalances in investments and feelings are there from the first moment. Giving feels good and when we meet that special someone, we can’t wait to give them our all: our time, attention, support, care… Sometimes investing in the bond alone feels like enough of a reward. Receiving can become almost unimportant”.

Joe looks at me with a sad half smile. It’s like I can almost hear the music from the movies in his head. I’m guessing he’s thinking of those first dates where he wanted to impress her and be seen by her.

“Yeah… I guess I do like giving. But I can see there’s only one possible future for me if I keep this dynamic. I will be the whole reason we stay together. I will be the one proposing future plans, looking for affection, bringing romance, organizing finances, everything. I will be the one keeping it together… Oh god, at least she takes the lead on the sex, I don’t think I could lose there too”.

He looks for my eyes when he says this last insight. I can see this is the first time he’s verbalizing this.

“And what’s keeping you there?,” I ask.

Joe thinks. Looks out the window for a moment and brings his gaze back to me when he says:

“Doubt. What if she does love me? Maybe she’s just not as expressive and I’m asking for too much.”

Denial. Sometimes it can take time for people to realise the other is not corresponding their love on the same level. Maybe it sounds ridiculous that it can go unnoticed, but before you judge, just remember how strong falling in love can feel like. The feeling can be so intense that the rational mind can not fathom the possibility of it not being reciprocal.

“Ok, you could be right,” I say. “Love can be expressed in many ways, but it can only be felt in one. How do you feel? Does she make you feel loved?”

“No”, he says.

He looks away and we hold the silence. Sometimes recognition needs space.

I watch him and think how one can only cover the sun with a finger for so long. Maybe today will be the shift for him. Once you see the sun, you’re blinded by reality. And of course, his mind will resist it. He is already trying to find a logical explanation. Even if it’s irrational. He’s misleading himself into thinking she reciprocates in feelings but not in actions. He needs a reason to keep on giving and that is the potential he sees in this relationship. I break the silence:

“Joe, it’s not doubt that’s making you stay, you know your truths. You’re staying because you’re hopeful.”

He tries to interrupt, but I don’t give him the chance.

“You know you’re not receiving what you want. This doesn’t look like that teammate you’ve described to me before, you’re only staying because she might become it. It’s not who she is that’s keeping you there, is who she could be. And that’s why you keep giving so much in this relationship. You’re investing your time, attention, energy, money… because you’re hoping the dynamic will change”.

I pause and look at him, it seems like my words are making sense to him.

“But you have to be careful, Joe. Hope is making a slave of your reality.”

Joe laughs.

“Oh, come on, you’re exaggerating. I’m here because I want to. I’m nobody’s slave.”

A smile comes to my face and I shrug. Oh, good, we could use some humor.

“Ok, you know I can be dramatic, I’ll give you that. But I mean it, Joe. Hope is a dangerous emotion. It’s only because you’re hopeful that you’re accepting this asymmetrical dynamic. Or am I wrong?”

He holds my gaze for a moment and then he focuses on his fidgeting fingers.

“No, I guess you’re right. We’re having the relationship she wants and I’ve given up on the one I want. Maybe I have indeed adapted too much”.

I lean closer, placing my elbows on my knees and I say:

“Part of your pain has nothing to do with her. You’ve betrayed yourself by negotiating the non-negotiable. You’ve bargained with your own needs to keep love alive. That’s painful and exhausting.”

I breathe in the silence and wait for my words to land. He’s thinking. I can’t help but look away. Looking at him now feels like invading his privacy.

“I don’t like losing,” Joe finally says.

“Nobody likes losing. Accepting this is no easy task, that’s why you’ve been going back and forth with her about this for months.”

Joe closes his eyes while I say this last sentence. I get the feeling he is remembering all the big and small concessions he’s made throughout this relationship.

“Last time we talked about this, she blamed it on her exams. She says she’s too stressed, too busy and that I should just support her and give her time. But really, I’m not asking for anything in particular! Just signs that she’s in it with me too.”

I take my time to organize my thoughts. Unfortunately for Joe, she hasn’t exactly helped him let go. Once the lack of reciprocity is on the table and the negotiation begins, many things can happen. If you’re lucky, the other party is honest about their feelings and they will leave you with no choice but to walk away. But when Joe brings this up, she recognizes (in her ways) some of the imbalances in the relationship and she does talk about changing. As long as something else also changes. There is always something, some external factor that doesn’t allow her to fully open up to him. She does like spending time with him and how he is with her. She just doesn’t want to commit to him, she’s not sure of him.

“Love is not something one can demand or fabricate. If it’s not there, no magic tricks can make feelings emerge. And of course, you know this. But you’ve already invested so much that leaving would mean accepting a big loss. You’re asking for more time because leaving would mean accepting the loss. And right now, as long as you stay, you can tell yourself you haven’t lost yet. But why prolong the inevitable pain? Enough time has been invested in proving your worth and earning her love and the only thing that has changed is your sense of self-love and dignity.”

I take a deep breath. I don’t like confronting people. Something I clearly didn’t consider enough when choosing this job.

“I just don’t understand why she doesn’t choose me. Why am I not the man she wants? What’s wrong with me?,” his voice breaks a little with this last sentence.

“Hey, don’t make this personal. Don’t let your ego do that to you. Tell your story from a different angle”.

“And how should I tell it then?,” he asks me in a way that seems irritated.

“Well, your ego has been hurt massively. I know the pain very well, but I want you to realize that this is what happens when we expose ourselves to the ultimate self-esteem destruction recipe.”

He laughs. I’m relieved.

“I’ve been there,” I say. “I know the weight of selling them dreams the way travel agencies sell vacations. We give them our best, we tell them all about the wonderful lives and adventures we could have together… but we just can’t close the deal. The problem is not the salesman nor the dreams he’s selling. You’re just selling them to an uninterested buyer and this, is a self-esteem destruction recipe.”

“But she’s not uninterested! I woke up with her this morning. I just don’t see why she doesn’t let it grow. I’m a good man, I treat her like a queen, I have a good job, I live a healthy lifestyle, we have good sex and we get along relatively well. I don’t get it! Does she really have a dozen more like me right around the corner?”

He interrupted me, he almost never does. He’s angry.

“Well, at least you haven’t lost full vision of what you bring to the table. Sometimes, we’re so focused on the dreams we’re selling that we don’t realise we’re recruiting the other into a future they haven’t chosen. We chose them and we try to convince them to choose us back. From this why-she-didn’t-chose-me narrative your ego is creating a trap of stubbornness. You’re making her love and approval crucial to obtain. Why do you want her love so much?”

“What do you mean why? Because I love her! I want to build a life with her,” he says this as if I just asked the dumbest question he’s ever heard.

“What life? The one where you keep everything together and don’t want? To me, it sounds like you stopped wanting her love to build a relationship and now you want it to save your own self-esteem. It’s almost like you’re offended for not being loved back and her love is the only thing that can mitigate that pain. But it’s a trap! Can’t you see? What her love means to you has dramatically changed from the beginning. What first felt like sun on the skin… now is medicine to save you from yourself.”

I pause. I feel like I’ve been talking for ages.

He seems calmer. He takes a breath before saying:

“I see your point, but I’m afraid that I’ll regret it if I leave. Honestly, I’m a bit disappointed this happened to me again.”

Again. I hear his pain in this last word. I understand the sting that comes from repeating the same pattern. The one you had already identified, the one you assumed you had let go of. But clearly, you haven’t.

“What needs to happen for you to make a decision?,” I ask him.

His gaze is lost somewhere out the window and half a smile strikes his face when he hears this question. He remembered something. He looks straight to me.

“You know what? I think it happened already. She made it so much easier for me. Last Friday we were at one of her friend’s birthday party, and do you know what she said to her when she asked about me? That she wasn’t sure!”

He pauses, changes his posture and the pitch of his voice and says:

“My boyfriend? No, I don’t know, Maggie, we’re just having fun.”

He looks at me. He’s angrier. I can see how much it hurt to be denied of the boyfriend title. He resumes in his voice:

“That’s what she said! Fun! HA.”

He exhales loudly.

“Ironic. Fun is not something I’ve had much of in the last couple of weeks…”

He looks at the wall behind me, I’m guessing he’s checking the time.

“And you know what’s worse? I stayed for another full hour. Acting like nothing happened, laughing at jokes, being the boyfriend she clearly stated I was not. I’m such an idiot.”

He brings his hand to his face, touching the bridge of the nose with all his fingers.

“What was that hour like for you?,” I ask.

“Awful, just awful. It was pure self-betrayal. I felt so out of place, ashamed. Even felt sick to the stomach. I didn’t want her to touch me. Those small gestures of touching my hand, my shoulder… I was so uncomfortable.”

We’re looking at each other when I say:

“So your body is speaking loudly. Good. Listen to it. You’ve already listened to your mind and heart too much. Give your body a chance to speak. Clearly, it’s starting to reject your own actions.”

I pause and think carefully where this conversation is headed.

“A very powerful emotion came through: humiliation. And even though it was an unpleasant moment, I have to say, I’m glad it came up. This is your second cue to leave, the sign that you’ve stayed too long and you need to be your priority again”.

“What was my first cue?,” he asks.

“Anger,” I say.

“That one came quite early on,” he says and I laughed.

“Yeah, it signals us early on, thankfully. It makes no sense to proceed if we’re not on the same page. Love is more than this, it’s easier than this and is more honest than this. Settling might seem like a smart move for preserving something somewhat similar to love, but settling is renouncing to our chances of actually finding love. Besides, life wasn’t so bad before you met her.”

He smiles and says:

“It really wasn’t. I’ll think of what you said about the body. Honestly my heart and body are driving me crazy. Let’s see what happens if I bring the body into the mix”.

I smile. Good enough for me.

He stands up while asking me:

“Same day, same time in two weeks?”

“Yes, that should work,” I say and I take note of the date to schedule this later.

We hug and he says:

“Thank you for everything.”

I smile and watch him leave wondering if I’ll see a single man next time we meet.

Note: This article is inspired by many stories I’ve heard throughout my life, mostly from women. The whole idea for this article came after rereading this quote on my notes app:

“Stars don’t make it their mission to shine. They don’t try to shine, they just do, they can’t help it. And so do we all”.

If you only take one thing, let it be this: in one-sided love, the more you stay, the more you invest, the more you lose. You know you’ve invested too deeply when you leave with less dignity than you arrived with.

Dignity > Love